29

Spoiler alert. The first part of this is a bit whiny. The rest mildly epiphanous.
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twen⋅ty-nine: [twuhn--tee-nahyn],

n
1. The awkward transitional period ending what were supposed to be the "best years of your life", but still not yet in the realm of "thirty-something".
2. The age where it's no longer cool for you (Specifically) to do things that used to be cool for you to do.
3. A time by which you'd better have developed a stable relationship, because if you haven't... you're mentally screwed.

I'm feeling a strange emptiness. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm still living alone instead of with my soon-to-be-wife, or perhaps that's just a small part of it. ...definitely just a part of it.

That sounded wrong. I'll try it this way. A year and a half ago, I was a complete person, perfectly content with myself. Now that I feel so united with the woman I'm going to marry, and now that we're becoming one unit instead of two individuals, it's getting harder to not always have her in my daily life.

Also, Part of me misses California. Terribly. I think about the places that I, only in the last few years there, developed a fondness for. But I know it's really the friends and connections I made out there that I miss. I could be anywhere with people I know, love, and care about, and be happy.

Another part of me spent a chunk of those transitional years gaming online. (granted, that didn't go over so well with my computer crashing every 20 minutes). In many respects, it gave me an outlet, a place to converse with others with whom I had a similar personality, or shared certain interests. It gave me some connection. Since I'm not one to frequent bars like the majority of men my age, with whom I lack that in common, it was one more place I could feel like myself.

But now, everything is different. I know what it is to have that person I want to spend the rest of my life with. She wants to spend it with me. And yet we're just not THERE yet. We've scheduled a marriage we both want in a sensible time frame, but my brain doesn't seem to care about sense at the moment. I feel like we're reaching towards this line and it's stretching patience so thin... like pulling a taffy over an incredible distance. It's INCREDIBLY frustrating, not to have her here when I come home. Not to be synchronized onto the same schedule. Not to be able to talk about our common interests at night or even just have her here and both be futzing around on the computer.

God this sounds whiny.

It's not like it's anything unexpected, and it's certainly nothing I can't handle. It's just... disorienting, I suppose. I feel out of place. The fact that I turn 30 two months after our wedding (108 days to go!) makes it feel like I just want to GET ON WITH IT.

It's not the wedding I'm concerned about, I suppose. I just like to see myself as a young, fun-loving kind of guy. I guess I've been that guy for too long and I need to move on. Sometimes I feel that would be easier if they'd let me finish school already. As far as THAT goes, It's getting to the point I just want to sue everyone into oblivion. But God-D***it, I'm going back to school As soon as is HUMANLY possible. At this point, I don't even care if it's the History Masters. I just want a better piece of paper than I've got. I've seriously considered Cisco networking, but that'll be a whole new branch of my current employment field I have a lot left to learn on, but it places some good job opportunities my way. Then again, I want a career. Not a job. I often feel like the only 29 year old unsatisfied with his education and employment status, willing to change it, but hindered. I know I'm looking so many good things I have going for me when I say this, but it's so FRUSTRATING... all the work I've done thus far, amounting to what I have to show for it.

Then again.

What I have to show for it is something few others (especially in THIS state), can claim. I grew up near some of the wealthiest and most decadent people on the planet, (Lets face it, San Diego is that close to Hollywood), Moved to a third world country and grew a disdain for my own hometown, moved BACK to the states just in time to find myself whirlwinded into helping facilitate the growth of a digital revolution, and because of my "educational limbo", I had the chance to help kids grow up, learn about myself, expand my social circles, And once I'm finally truly on my own, severed from the ties of my past and ready to move forward with my life, I fall in love with a close friend of over a decade, who I'm lucky enough is as crazy about me as I am about her. She's my best friend, my confidant, and I would be so much less than I am without her.

All of that makes the piece of paper seem paltry in comparison.

The lessons of my life cannot be summed up in a masters degree. Nor can they be summed up were I to write this blog for the rest of my life. One phase of my life is ending, another is on the horizon.

Sometimes, I guess, if you're watching the horizon, it just seems it takes the sun FOREVER to finally rise on the new day.

After writing this, I now recognize my impatience is simply wishing it would get here already. Knowing now why I've been so frustrated, I can smile at my own ridiculousness, shake my head at myself, remind myself what a lucky guy I am, and look up again into the horizon, clearly anticipating my new day.

108 days left to go.